Like many of us, I was born, brewed, and steeped in the mentality of right and wrong. My Polish grandma, whom I adored, often used the phrase, “Ourpeople,” as if being Polish made one superior. My brother and I cringed when we heard that, knowing that being Polish also made us the butt of a plethora of “stupid Polish” jokes at school. Talk about differing perspectives! Who was right? Honestly, neither perspective felt right. Something in our young minds told us everyone was equally valuable. I loved all my friends, no matter what their color or ethnicity.
Likewise, my dad is a brilliant scientist and in his paradigm, being right meant being able to prove something. I’ll never forget, as an adult, the conversation where we realized that we simply looked at life from different angels, and that we were both right within our own paradigms!Seems obvious now, but it took years to get there. Our conversations deepened. I shared my feelings and mystical perspectives without justifying them with rationale proof. He shared the scientific universe with me and no surprise, as we learned to value our own and one another’s perspectives in balance, we deepened each other’s understandings of both science and spirit.
Although I would have argued this earlier in my life (since I always had to be right) I really believe now that the root of most unhappiness lies in the need to be right. We want to be right about our point of view, our politics, our ways of life, our looks, our stories, our victimization, our abandonment, betrayal, our diet, our beliefs, you name it! Often we are “right” in terms of being factually accurate, or at least right for ourselves, but so what if it doesn’t make us happy?
I used to be willing to argue something to the death if I felt factually accurate, or at least reasonably valid in my beliefs. It never came to a good end. I just attracted others who wanted to argue and be right! When I was younger and focused on being factually “right” about an abusive ex-boyfriend, I attracted another one that made me feel more “right” about being a magnet for this type of individual. I was right! And I wasn’t happy. When I was focused on being “betrayed” by people who were simply trying not to betray themselves, I attracted more. When I focused on the “jerks in traffic” they came out of the woodwork to tailgate me. I had to admit, humorously, after years of focusing on what I didn’t want that I was a powerful focuser!
What a JOY it was to realize I could focus on things wanted instead of things unwanted! What a deep and profound realization to know that I could detach from past/present “reality” and instead focus on my inner world until it showed up in my outer. What a monumental freedom it was to realize I didn’t have to be unhappy just because I was “right” about unhappy circumstances around me.
I may feel “right” saying that injuring my knee in the middle of spring hiking season was “wrong,’ but so what! Focusing on that doesn’t make me happy. Instead I focus on the wonderful adjustment I got, how it allowed me to focus on my new garden, and how quickly it is healing. As a result I’ve had almost no pain, I get around fine, and I feel blessed.
I may feel “right” about healing suggestions I can offer people I love, but if their paradigm is different than mine, it is far happier and more loving to support their choices, and simply share what has worked for me without attachment. We are both happier with this loving interchange.
I may know what is right for my life and others may not agree. I have to be OK letting people judge and criticize me. I am “right” with the Divine within, and I’m far happier focusing on that than insisting on being “right” about them being “wrong” for making me wrong! What a tangled mess that can be. I like the clarity of simply focusing on what I enjoy.
I have retrained myself to choose being happy... again and again!
It isn’t always easy to shift the paradigm away from “right” towards “happy.” There are still times I catch myself resisting my own joy. As soon as I realize I’m doing this, I take myself to my room (literally!), sit down, call in the angels, surround myself with light, get out the journal and write one better feeling thought at a time until I rise above the mental struggle back to joy.
Here are a few pointers to help you choose being happy over being right…
1. Begin with awareness – Catch yourself in the act
Shifting a behavior starts with awareness. Anytime you feel unhappy, ask yourself, “What am I trying to be right about right now?” Are you trying to be right about why you feel bad? Are you being right about another being wrong? Are you being right about a situation?
You may actually, factually be right. It doesn’t matter. Just notice when you’re unhappy about something and ask yourself, “What am I trying to be right about right now? Does it make me happy?”
For example my big computer broke down a few weeks ago. I was factually right about the fact that this is a big inconvenience and took a lot of extra hours out of my day to manage my client interactions, emails, newsletters, accounting, etc., with other devices. But focusing on being “right” about how hard that was didn’t make me feel good! Instead I focused on counting my blessings, and the fact that most everyone will forgive me for being off social media for a few weeks (and it was a nice breather!). I focused on the fact that I could still do my business, that I have wonderful genius repair guys that fixed it. I celebrated its return by cleaning up the cord jungle under the desk. Those thoughts felt happy.
For starters, just notice when you’re trying to be right. Don’t make yourself wrong for it! You may actually, factually be right! Just become aware of whether or not this focus on being right makes you happy or not.
2. Ask yourself, “Am I willing to give up my focus on being right in order to be happy?
This is the million dollar question! You may not be willing to give up the focus on being right (especially if you are!) and instead choose happiness. If not, stop reading this, don’t push yourself beyond where you want to go now, and just allow yourself to be right for you. There’s no judgment in heaven. You are loved no matter what you choose.
If you are still reading, then take a breath. Ask yourself, “What might be a happier focus?” Maybe you can re-frame the present situation, but if not, you can focus on all the other good and beautiful things and people in your life. You can look at the silver lining in the present situation. You can congratulate yourself for wanting to make a change. You can focus away from the stuff that doesn’t make you happy and shift your thoughts gently towards those that feel better.
3. Give yourself Permission to be happy
Give yourself permission to be happy even when life doesn’t look as you wish.
Give yourself permission to be happy when others are not. You can offer them more love, prayers, and spiritual help from a happier place, even if you withdraw from their lives.
Give yourself permission to be happy even if others you love don’t agree with your choices.
It is your life, your growth and your creation that matters to your soul. Not everyone is meant to agree. When you’re doing what feels right within and what is right with the Divine within you, you’ll know it because you’ll feel good about your choices… for you.
While the need to be right is deeply ingrained, we can make one little shift at a time towards happiness. It feels better. It enables us to “be the change we wish to see,” and empowers us to create better lives. Best of all, in our acceptance of our own “rightness,” for ourselves, we free others to be right for themselves too. This is peace, bliss, and freedom!
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