I grew up Catholic – very Catholic. Like most of us, I learned a lot of “rights” and “wrongs” from the moment I entered the world. Good girl / bad girl. That was just the way we were all raised back then. You pleased someone and you did right. You upset them and you did wrong. Pretty simple. But sometimes right and wrong matched what was in my heart and other times it didn’t… Like the time I colored on the walls. Eagerly wanting to decorate my room I took out my 64 crayons and made vertical art! I was so proud of it! Mom wasn’t so thrilled. The crayons got taken away. I couldn’t finish a preschool project that I loved, and I was mad! Mind you I was four years old but everything in my heart said it was RIGHT for me to make my walls beautiful 🙂 Of course, everything in Mom’s heart said coloring on the walls was not OK!
This points to one of the biggest dilemmas we have as human beings. What to do when what feels right for you (or wrong) is wrong for another (or right)? I’ve agonized over that very decision so many times. The angels say, each and every time, “Listen to your heart. God wants to give everyone the essence of what they want from someone who wants to give it.” I asked them about the coloring incident. They said that had I had the wisdom then that I do now I would have shared honestly with mom that I wanted my artwork on the walls. She would have shared that we hang paper on the walls and that she just didn’t want me drawing directly on them. Problem solved. Everyone accommodated. I just didn’t know then what I knew now. Back then it was all or nothing and communicating my heart as a child meant childishly insisting on having my way, rather than speaking and negotiating my deeper desires. As kids, it seems to be “our way or the highway” but as adults, we can negotiate ways to accommodate both individuals or to move along and accommodate ourselves.
There have been many times as an adult when I’ve had to do what felt right for me when it wasn’t what someone else wanted of me. I politely declined to date a guy years ago who blew up at me and told me how “wrong” I was, only to find that he met his perfect match a month later. God wanted me to be happy, and him to have the relationship he really wanted. It wasn’t me and I knew it. There were times my own family wanted something of me that I honestly couldn’t give at the time. They were upset, but in time we all got what we all wanted – relationships that have become so deep, beautiful, authentic, and so loving I wouldn’t have believed it possible at the time.
We face the eternal right/wrong debate all the time, on so many topics. Is the vaccine right or wrong – for you? Only you’ll know your truth. You’ll feel in your heart and in your gut. Your decision is right for you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. It is pointless to try to make others agree. God speaks directly to every heart, letting them know what is right for them.
I’ve been so much happier since I learned to trust in that. I don’t have to worry if others do things differently than I or I do things differently than others. We’re all listening to our own guidance. I don’t have to be afraid “for” anyone else. I trust God is guiding them too.
This honest and authentic way of life is very freeing. I don’t even have to worry about disappointing others because I know that if I’m not authentically called or able to fulfill another’s wishes, God will guide them to someone who is a perfect match for their needs and desires.
Many of you on this list have written that you have also found great relief as you learn to “live and let live,” but you struggle with the loving choice when someone else is making you wrong, condemning your choices, or trying to bully or manipulate you into agreeing with them.
These are tough cases. You care about people but in the end, the angels have taught me to care more about honoring the Divine within. “You have to live with yourself, and you take yourself with you – throughout eternity,” they remind me. “Best to be in agreement with the Source of life within you instead of trying to please others.” You can be kind about letting others know that you love them and care about them, but that you have to follow your inner guidance. In the end, the angels remind us, their reaction is all about them and not at all about you. Their reaction is based on the degree of their own love, their own fears, their need for acknowledgment, validation, approval, agreement, or acceptance. We must allow others their feelings because they will learn and grow from their responses to life as surely as we do. We don’t have to like it.
I wouldn’t be doing this work if I waited for the validation, agreement, and support that I desperately craved way back when my life started changing. I wouldn’t have connected with all of you. I wouldn’t be writing these newsletters. I might not even be alive. There have been many opportunities to die in this life,
It still isn’t always easy for me to do what is right for me when I know another will think my decision is wrong for them, but I listen to my guidance anyway. I trust that the Source of life and love will guide themdirectly to who and what they really want – if they choose to listen. It still takes effort, every now and then, for me to allow others the choices that I wouldn’t dream of making. I remind myself that I can feel good about the fact that God knows them, cares for them, and is there ready to guide them the minute they listen to their own hearts.
Live and let live. Be right for yourself and allow others to be right for themselves… It is a dance that is so freeing, so fun, and so much happier than struggling with the eternal, yet never-won arguments about who is right and who is wrong. In the end, we all are right… for ourselves!
Here are a few tips to help you get over the right/wrong debates…
1. Try out your choices to see what feels right
When you’re confused about a decision of any type and wondering about making the “right” choice, play the “try it on” game that the angels gave me years ago.
Imagine you have decided to make one of your choices. Forget what you think about it. Check in with your body. How do you feel? Does it feel like it fits? Does your stomach feel relaxed as if you’ve made a good choice? Or does it feel tight and apprehensive? Do the same exercise for your other choices. How do they feel in your body? Do they fit?
Only make a choice that feels relaxed and good in your body. If none feel good then give your problem to God and go on with life until the problem goes away or one of your options does feel right. I never make a choice unless a choice feels absolutely clear.
2. Catch yourself trying to control others
Most of the time we think of controlling others as bossing them around. The angels have shown me, however, that every time we make someone wrong and think our way is right we are really wanting to control another…. even if you’re trying to help them or make them happier!
It isn’t our job to tell anyone what to do or how to be. It is our job to own and/or express our true feelings. Say you really want to help another. You can insist they do what you feel is right for them (unloving/controlling) or you can offer help (loving). “I love you. I see you are hurting. This has worked for me. Would you like me to share more?” Then honor their “yes” or “no.”
Many times my own family members have had challenges that I could easily solve… my way. In my younger days, I’d not-so-helpfully try to insist that I knew how to fix them or their situation. My “sage” advice was not well received! I was not loving. I was trying to be “right” in a desire to help them and it often backfired. Now I offer a suggestion then let it be.
It isn’t our job to tell anyone how to live their lives or fix their problems unless they have asked for help. Even then it isn’t our right to insist they listen to our advice. We are so conditioned to be “helpful” that we often miss the cues when we’re being unlovingly pushy! Being loving is helpful. Kindly offering advice, without pushing or expecting agreement is a gift. Any attempt at coercion is not loving, however, and only frustrates everyone involved.
As we let go of our desire to control others, even in an attempt to “help” we free ourselves from the bondage of their choices!
3. Practice Choice & Consequence vs. Right & Wrong
Instead of trying to argue why you’re right and another is wrong simply figure out what you need to do that is right for you, depending on their choices.
“If you want me to agree with you, I’m sorry. I can’t bring up the subject again because I have a different perspective and I love you too much to argue.”
“If you need me to work Sundays instead of going to church, I have to quit to honor my religion.” (Me in my twenties – never got fired!)
“If you yell at me, I am going to walk away and we can talk later. I don’t want to respond until I feel balanced and happy and capable of being loving.”
“If you come home drunk I’m going to sleep on the couch because it doesn’t feel good to me.”
You get the idea. These types of interactions could easily become a huge “Who is right and who is wrong” debate but it is far better to decide what is right for you, offer the other a choice, and clearly state what your behavior will be as a result.
This only works if you really have been honest with yourself about what is right for you, if you’re really willing to allow the other to make a choice, and if you’re going to follow through with the consequence. Idle manipulative threats have a very different energy. The choice/consequence discussion is a come from the heart message that says, “I accept you but I accept me too. You be you, but I must be me too.”
A dear client who had three boys once shared how she handled a tough situation. Her kids fought in the car on the way to sports practice most days. She had tried yelling, grounding them, punishing them, all to no avail. No matter how hard she tried to enforce a “no-fighting” policy it didn’t work. So she decided to practice the angels’ advice about doing what was right for her. She simply communicated to them that they were free to do as they wished but she was too.
The next time they started fighting she said to them, “If you keep fighting, it’s OK. I don’t enjoy it, however, so I’m going drive home and I’ll call the coach to tell him you’re not coming to practice.” They kept fighting. She drove home, parked the car in the garage, called the coach and let him know the boys weren’t behaving and weren’t coming to practice, then started cooking dinner. After about ten minutes of bickering in the car, the kids realized she was serious. “Mom!!! We have to go to practice” one finally said, wandering into the kitchen. “I know. I’ll drive you there tomorrow if you’re kind to each other. I don’t like to listen to you fight so I came in and started dinner. Don’t worry, as I promised I called the coach so he knows you’re not coming today.” She was loving, kind, honest, and not at all condemning. They made a different choice the following day and the next, and all enjoyed a better outcome.
Rather than arguing over right and wrong, when you simply honored your own “right choice” as a consequence of others’ choices, you will feel better and the situation is likely to shift as well.
The debates about right/wrong are hot and heavy on the planet now. What matters most is that you get quiet and decide what is right for you. What feels good, inspiring, comfortable, happy, and just plain good in your body? Do that. Let others do what they need to do. It is a big, beautiful world, with a place, and a purpose for all. Rather than worrying about what everyone else is doing, tune into the source of all wisdom within, and then you’ll always know what is right for you.
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