After two weeks of immersing myself in really big energy AND receiving a big initiatory blessing on my birthday from Amma Karunamayi who is known as an incarnation “Divine mother” in India, I knew I was in for some big growth!
Sure enough within days, my entire inner world began to waver. Suddenly I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. Old fears came up. Could I even break even? Traveling regularly, giving up work days that paid the bills, not to mention spending hundreds of hours putting together outfits, materials, background screens, meditation videos, etc. suddenly felt daunting instead of exciting. I started to feel crazy for even thinking of disrupting a life that was peaceful and balanced and already working. I decided to wait until I was clear. So far, so good.
However, then my mind took over. I fell into fears from past projects with others in which I gave more than I received. I decided that I was going to do this from home on my own. It made more sense financially. I could film leisurely, not have to “cram” before each trip, and do it all from the comfort of my own home. I emailed the guys involved and regretfully told them I had decided to do this on my own. I didn’t hear back.
And then the tears started… massive tears that came from the depths of my soul, as if I were grieving a death! I cried and prayed, and cried some more, trying with all my “mind” to “figure out” why I was crying. I started to look ahead again, wondering which choice was better. I prayed, “Tell me which is better angels! God, let me know what to do!” The angels whispered to me quietly, “Ann, drop into your heart. You already know the answer.” They wouldn’t tell me what choice was better. I was lost in a very typical human thought pattern of trying to see which external circumstance would benefit me the most, instead of trusting the depths of my heart in the moment. So I changed my prayers. “Dear God, Dear angels, let me know my own heart now. Please.” I woke up with absolute and utter certainty that I wanted to do this no matter what. “But will I come out even at least?” I asked. “Commit!” came the rather strong answer.
At long last I understood the lesson. This was not about me “figuring out” what external circumstance would be “best.” This was about me trusting God more deeply! It is easy when guidance says, “Go to the grocery store now,” and I end up running into someone to inspire while finding my groceries on sale. It is far harder when guidance says, “Invest a lot of time, money, and life force in something and trust that God is creating something wonderful for all.” So I committed. I emailed the guys and asked them to take me back. This is where it gets really humorous… The film team had been so busy they had never even had a chance to read the email saying I was quitting. Thank God! God knew better all along. I just had to learn my own lessons. Suddenly the support from heaven opened up. My energy rushed back into my body like a tidal wave. I was able to channel the healing energies even more strongly. And my silly angels are waking me up in the middle of the night playing songs on my iPod that I didn’t program… Amazing Grace, Superstars, etc. 🙂 I laughed so hard.
So now I’m committed! I have been working like crazy, learning how to be on camera by practicing at home so I don’t waste time when I go out to film. I am working fast and furiously in all spare time to put together 12 outfits, 12 shows, background slides, meditation videos, etc… while working full time. But the energy, the faith, and the confidence are all there.
Years ago I wrote this in my book, “Whispers of the Spirit:”
“With commitment comes the strength equal to the task.”
Little did I know that nearly two decades later my own words would guide me! So when you are confused, wait. Pray to know your own heart and until you do, learn from my flip flopping around and do nothing! Clarity is a force of nature. When we are clear the entire universe gets behind us. When we are confused, the angels patiently try to draw our attention to what is true for us. I will not know until I walk down this road, what I would have missed had I chosen otherwise. I only know that my soul was crying for something I have not yet experienced or contributed to the world, and I am SO glad that these tears guided me back to truth… and back to a sense of incredible joy. I’ll keep you informed as I continue this journey. For now, you are the first to hear this… “Welcome to Ann & the Angels!”